Learning To Love My Body; Every Day Is A Battle

Every day is a battle.

After I hit the heaviest I have ever been, I've been in a depression ever since. I always used to do my best not to let the number on the scale define me, or emotionally harm me in any way. Until recently. Seeing that large number on the scale scares me. It terrifies me. I lost my aunt--my best friend--to morbid obesity. It was the hardest thing to watch, and I fear it happening to me every day. I know it's not something that happens "overnight," but my lifestyle still concerns me.

There are some days when I look in the mirror in disgust. "How could I have let myself go?" Not that I've ever had a truly "smokin' body," but there was a time when I was confident in myself. There was a time when I felt sexy, seductive, and believed in myself. Now all I do is stare at stretchmarks, surgery scars, and rolls. I wonder how even my husband could possibly love someone as hideous as me.

Where does this negativity come from? Well, it doesn't matter because it needs to stop. And it stops TODAY.

Looking in the mirror, I know there's a lot that I could work on and improve; but it will all happen with time. I need to remind myself that I am the only critic of my body. People are going to think what they want to think and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. But their thoughts or opinions about me shouldn't dictate the way I live my life. Why? Because it's my life that I'm living. Not their's.

Stop being so judgmental of yourself. Love yourself. Every inch. Because this body is the body that I'm going to have for my entire time on this earth. If I can improve it, then I will. One small step at a time. But sometimes you have to start with the mind, before the body.

Today I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful. This body has been through hell, but it's my job to take care of it. I won't let my spinal condition or the thoughts of others continue to put me down. Push the negativity aside and out of reach. I need to stand up for myself, because no body else is going to.